Two steps back

Last night the boy mentioned to me how worried he was that I hadn’t been eating good lunches, especially that I had attempted a 6 mile run after not eating a good lunch.

And as a girl (still) recovering from ED eating habits, that was like tapping the trigger on a gun. My mind began racing; should I tell him about my past habits that still very much affect me today? Why do I still have these triggers? Why can’t I just be better?

Honestly, it is all very frustrating to me to slide backwards like I did last night. I keep reminding myself that one bad night does not equal failure and even if I did have one bad night, I have still been making quite steady progress; I just have not figured out how to completely eliminate these habits yet and it’s nights like last night that make me feel like I’m losing to something as silly as self-sabotage.

I am trying to return to normalcy this morning, but it feels so very good to “talk” about what happened. To lay it out on the table, admit my imperfections, and move on. To realize I made a mistake, I let a trigger take the hill and capture the troops but that I have only lost the battle and not the war.

And believe you me, I am totally going to win this war.

Do you think I should make the boy aware of my struggle against ED habits? I know he would try to help me with all of his might, but this is a very personal struggle and I don’t want to him to constantly worry about me or question what I am eating because I feel that would only make it worse.

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3 thoughts on “Two steps back

  1. You should 100% share this with him. He can’t love ALL of you if he’s ignorant to something you mentally grapple with. You’ll probably grow to love him even more because if he’s as awesome possum as he sounds he will not judge you and he’ll be support. 🙂

    • You’re right. And I don’t think he would judge me (because, from the way he was talking to me last night, he already has suspicions that something might be up and worries about me) I just don’t want to burden him, you know? I came so close to telling him last night, I think it’s probably a conversation we need to have soon.

      Biochemista, we’ve been dating for just about 9 months. So not very long, but I feel as if we’re at the point in our relationship where we can share lots of things with eachother.

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