Follow your bliss

When people tell you to “follow your bliss” they never mention how hard it is.

Today, following my bliss means a 3 hour drive followed by a 3 hour interview/tour of an amazing hospital facility tomorrow.

I want to say I am incredibly excited. I mean, just the fact that I get to rub elbows with the type of people who work in such an amazing place is a privilege (and yes, they know it and sometimes treat you that way…).

But I’m kind of scared. I know that once I get on the road this evening, all will be well. I’ll have my music, snacks, and dinner at Whole Foods to look forward to.

It’s striking how hard it is to do what you know you want and is best for your career. I’m tired and I just want to stay curled up under my blanket in my pajamas? Why can’t I? Whine, whine, whine.

Well the answer is easy: nothing was ever accomplished by a girl sitting alone on her couch in her pajamas watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs.

I’ve watched enough family members be miserable because they got too stuck in a rut and were afraid to take risks. Me, I’m the risk taker of the family; I moved 14 hours away to attend school with no plans of moving back home and I will be the first in the family to have Dr in front of my name. I’m proud to say that I work hard, don’t take no for an answer, am awesome, and don’t settle (and yes, I am oh so modest).

Sometimes progress is hard. And it really is easier to stay within your comfort zone. But where’s the fun in that? Sometimes the beauty is in the breakdown.

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The luck of the evens

I spent last night with my 3 favorite men: Ben, Jerry, and Dr. McDreamy.

And while it’s a comforting and delicious habit, Ben and Jerry need to be out of my life (Dr. McDreamy can, ahem, stay as long as he wants though…)

My ed (yep, it doesn’t get capital letters any more because it doesn’t deserve that much recognition) habits are hard to break because they’re comforting; after a long day of studying, researching, and dealing with people who have problems far bigger than mine it’s nice to have a comfortable routine. Even if said routine isn’t exactly the best way to relax.

And today is the 30th. Because I’m a huge believer in doing things evenly (I always have to stop a run at a 5 or a 0 time…44? Nope…have to go to 45), I think this is the perfect day for me to finally say kthankxbye to my little ed friend.

So I am officially bribing myself. 5 days with no ed habits and I get to buy myself something pretty and new. I’m not sure what yet, but I plan on developing a “points system” for myself. Nothing else seems to be working at this point so I figured some good old fashioned bribing can’t hurt.

I’m just ready to be healthy and strong again! I’m starting off the day with a nice 5 mile run to get my head in the game

I love…

the feeling that you get when you finish an exam

Steaz orange “soda”. It tastes like orange juice and bubbly water

the first run after a long period of rest days, when my legs are all fresh

knowing that in less than 2 months I will be moving into a beautiful new apartment and starting a new chapter of my life

vegan pad thai, dark chocolate covered cranberries, and fresh blueberries

having the “everything is going to be alright” feeling

sinking into the couch after a long day

the boy (obligatory, but of course!)

Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine. I’m a late comer to this song but it’s great!

Watching countless hours of Grey’s Anatomy. I cannot wait to wear scrubs and have patients.

What do you love?

I know that my posts have been slightly negative lately but my brain has been swirling and I think I’m back on the upswing!

To everything, turn, turn, turn

Recently, my life has been full of changes and decisions, both large and small. Honestly, I think it’s the smallest decisions that have thrown me for a loop (what dress do I want to buy? what produce do I want to get at the store?) because my brain has been so preoccupied with the large decisions.

All of this new-ness is causing a near-constant adrenaline rush, which is probably responsible for me feeling constantly exhausted. At the beginning of the semester, I was convinced that “everything” (whatever the definition of everything may be) would fall into place once I figured out where I would be doing my graduate studies but that has proven to be not so true. In fact, figuring out where I would be doing my graduate studies was the easy part.

Apartment searching, keeping up with my studies, keeping healthy (mind and body), figuring out what my summer plans will be, and maintaining a healthy relationship with the boy have proven to be the hard parts.

Exhilarating, but difficult.

I guess it’s all part of growing up, but I am in completely uncharted territory; in a serious relationship, looking to buy furniture to move into my first “grown up” apartment, getting ready to become a doctor. Those are all things I pictured in the future for myself but the future is here and now and I’m finally learning what it means to ‘live in the present’. Tomorrow is potentially scary, but now is beautiful and serene and anything is possible.

Although not all of my now moments are serene. I often sit cuddled up on my couch, feeling paralyzed with “what ifs” and “oh my gosh, I am so scared-s” . After some deep breaths and tea, I often feel less afraid and more optimistic (because I am truly looking forward to this next chapter in my life) but the fact remains that I am entering a completely new realm. Not knowing what I am doing has led me to stall on simple decisions, like where I want the boy and I to eat dinner or what dress I want to wear to my friend’s wedding; it also led me to realize that sometimes it’s best to make a decision without over-analyzing and that it’s better to take life by the reigns and go with your gut because no one decision will land you in the gutter for eternity.

I’ve also learned that reinvention is kinda fun. And again, kind of palm sweat inducing.

But that’s life, no?

And besides, no one ever achieved anything great by sitting on their couch being terrified of stepping out of their comfort zone. I don’t want to look back and realize all of the spectacular opportunities I missed out on simply because I was scared to step out of my box.

For some good advice on change, check out these articles:

When becoming something new feels scary

If you feel lost, you’re on your way to the miraculous

When to go with the flow & when to expand your comfort zone

How to deal with uncomfortable feelings

7 ways to deal with uncertainty

Tuesday confessional

1. It has now been 6 days since I have last run. Oh motivation, where have you gone? Thankfully I broke the streak today with a nice 5-miler.

2. I picked the apartment complex that I did because they lease out washers and dryers. There are plenty of other beautiful apartments (with gyms…this complex doesn’t have a gym so I’ll have to drive to school to use a treadmill) around but they had me at quarter-free laundry. It’s $35 a month but the time and hassle it saves is priceless. Never did I ever think I would get this excited over an appliance. No more quarter hording for me!

3. I am so excited to move in May, I would totally do it now if I could. I’m still a little apprehensive about the future but getting all of my ducks lined up feels amazing and I know that everything will work out wonderfully. I think the boy and I will be apart but at least I will have a beautiful apartment and a busy schedule to keep me occupied.

4. My apartment is a mess. What they say about the cleanliness state of your apartment reflecting the state of stress in your life is totally true. I really need to clean it but I’m too busy relaxing right now…

5. I’m addicted to¬†Kashi’s Mediterranean pizza. And ate it 2 nights in a row.

Decisions, decisions

Friday night was rough, Saturday night was better, Sunday has been the best.

Not for any particular reason, other than I finally stopped being so hard on myself and made an apartment decision.

I’ve been agonizing over this decision for about a week now, when I was informed by my first choice apartment complex that I was number one on the waitlist.

Cue panic, mostly because I hadn’t even thought about apartment searches yet…let alone look at other apartments. So I frantically began searching for my holy grail apartment only to end up right where I started, at the apartment complex where I’m number one on the waitlist.

I mean, I can lease a washer/dryer (HUGE selling point), it’s centrally located around all of the places I frequent, it’s newly renovated, has a gym and a cafe with free coffee and tea, and is more than twice the size of my dinky studio apartment. Even better is that the windows and appliances are all energy efficient, recycling is located on the premises, and it’s far enough away from campus that I’ll never have to deal with football crowds again should I choose not to.

Basically, it is my holy grail of apartments and searching was so stressful because I knew I wouldn’t find a place that could compete.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve decided I want to move in there once my lease at my current apartment is up. It also means that I get to start browsing furniture deals (since my current apartment is furnished). I almost wish I could move now so I could start buying things!

I’m going to sign my lease papers tomorrow!!!

Earth Hour and a request

Fantastic title, I know.

I guess that’s what happens when every day seems to be a 10 hour day. Not that I mind. I’m doing what I love and I can’t think of any better way to spend my time…even if sometimes what I love means a billion research papers on topics that I sometimes think are duller than watching grass grow.

But I digress.

I’ve talked about my ED habits on here before. Not in detail, but they’ve been discussed in passing. And for months now I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m getting better and making progress and am better than I was this time last year.

The truth is, though, I’m not. And I’m not sure who to turn to at this moment; I get support from the boy, from my friends, from a counselor that I see every week. I need more though. But I don’t know where to get it.

I know the responsibility of healing is on me but I cannot do it alone and I feel like I’ve exhausted so many resources and I’m frustrated, to say the least.

So I’m reaching out to the bloggie community. I know it’s an anonymous community but there are some lovely people out there who leave me wonderful amazing comments (you know who you are ūüėČ ) so I know there is support out there. I guess I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, or even expecting anything…I’m just putting myself out there and seeing what the universe provides.

And on a completely different note, tomorrow =¬†Earth Hour. It starts at 8:30 pm (your local time) and all you have to do is turn off the lights, unplug electronics, and exist without electricity for an hour. Fatigued me thought it was tonight and I sat in the dark for a good 15 minutes before I realized I had the wrong evening…not that saving electricity is ever a bad idea.

Happy Friday!

Tuesday confessional

1. The reason that I often say “no” to riding bikes with the boy is traffic. To get from my apartment to where we meet up to ride is probably some of the most horrendous traffic in town. So I make him come pick me up from my apartment…

2. It looks like I’ll be staying at my current school to continue my studies and I’m starting to become more and more comfortable with it. I thought I would be extremely upset, and I was for a bit, but then I realized how well where I live now fits my personality. I will definitely be moving apartments, however.

3. I always have to watch an episode of Weeds, The Big Bang Theory, or The New Adventures of Old Christine in bed before I fall asleep. I know “they” say not to watch TV in bed but it helps me get all comfy and cozy.

4. I really enjoy “spring purgatory”. It’s the time when everything is blooming and turning green and it’s warm enough for sandals but it doesn’t feel like the surface of a frying pan yet. Really, as long as I can wear sandals and a dress I’m okay with throwing on a sweater. Plus the dogwood trees are beautiful this time of year.

5. I always have my toenails painted some variation of pink or red. Always. Year around.

Happy Tuesday!

Mad puffy

I feel a little (code for a lot) puffy this morning after a night of overindulgence and under-hydration.

Thank goodness it’s warm enough out to suck down cold water and iced tea and kombucha.

When I’ve had setbacks in the past, I would wake up the next morning and “punish” my body for my poor mistakes; i.e. lots of running, very little food consumption. Thankfully, over time, I’ve learned healthier ways to combat bad decisions like by drinking lots of water, tea, kombucha, and (my new favorite)¬†steaz…as well as focusing on fruits and vegetables. But basically I like to make my day as “normal” as possible so I don’t fall into the never-ending cycle of binging.

But while i’m glad that I’ve developed healthy coping for after the fact, I’m still working on the before. Because if I could stop the bad habits before they even began, that would be ideal.

In other news, it’s the first day back after spring break. Time to start writing papers!

How do you deal with your bad habits?

Waste less, want less

After my trip to the grocery store this afternoon, I decided to clean out my cluttered fridge.

I was appalled by my wastefulness.

Not only was the back of the fridge littered with half-full salsa jars, but my produce compartment put me to shame; moldy broccoli florets and sweet potatoes should not be happening.

I know I have an overstocked freezer, but wasting of perishable foods is an entirely different ballgame.

And I’m not okay with it. I was taught to never waste food and the level of food wasting in my tiny apartment is getting to an¬†unnecessary¬†level. The boy seems to never have a fully stocked fridge because he’ll finish everything before he runs to the store to stock up on more cheese or chicken. And that is what I want to do.

Enter Operation Waste Less. This is extra important to me right now because in two months I will be moving out of my apartment and the last thing I want to do is toss out food simply because I just didn’t consume it in time…and it is important for my wallet. I paid for those moldy veggies with valuable cash so they should have gotten into my belly!

Rules for this week:

1. No more boxed cereal until all of the boxes I currently have are empty

2. Eat at least one meal containing food from my strangely large freezer stockpile (and if you saw my freezer, you’d be amazed at this gravitational feat…it is the tiniest freezer possible in a full size fridge yet I have more food packed in there than one could imagine…it’s the clown car of freezers)

3. If I must grocery shop, it should only be for toiletries, vegetables, or things that I have completely run out of

Do you find yourself wasting a lot of food? I’m trying to become more conscious about my consuming and today’s fridge cleaning served as a terrifying wakeup call.