This morning, I sent in an application to be a 5k volunteer for my local Girls on the Run. Mostly because I love running and want to share that with everyone and anyone who will listen.
I’m not going to lie, I’m also in the “prep my resume for applying to residency” part of my education, so volunteering to run seemed like a pretty decent deal.
But then I started filling out their application and answering questions such as “What do you feel you could bring as a volunteer for GOTR?” etc etc.
And my realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I was tremendously lacking in strong female role models while I was growing up and getting the opportunity to hopefully, maybe make even a tiny bit of a difference in a young girl’s life makes my heart swell two sizes too big.
Lacing up for a run is something that I *always* wished my mother would have done for me. Even more importantly, I wish she had been there for me for all of those “milestone” moments for a teenage girl…ones that seem insignificant but leave a lasting impression, like the first marching band competition of the year or the “guess what, I’m engaged?!” phone call. My mother was very unfortunately M.I.A for a large majority of my child hood; all I learned from her was how *not* to be when I decide to have my own family. Thankfully my father was quite possibly the best father I could have asked for and taught me how to grow up and be successful.
Hitting that submit application button brought back all sorts of resentful feelings.
Knowing what I know now about depression and motherhood and being an adult in general, I do believe that my mother did the best she could with what she was able to do. But as a daughter, I have a hard time believing she tried as hard as she could. All I wanted was someone to tell me that my butt wasn’t too big, that I look beautiful without make-up, that no matter what I did it was good enough. And instead I got the exact opposite.
Talk about frustrating.
I could go into a million more details with a million times more ranting but I’ll just leave it at this: I want to volunteer for Girls on the Run because I want to try to make a positive change in a young girl’s life. I don’t yet have children, I can’t yet possibly understand what it is like to have your own daughter, but I want to and hope that I can teach whichever girl that I am paired with that she is worthy, she is awesome, and she can do whatever she sets her mind to do.
And to leave off with something slightly less Debbie Downer-esque: