So, I’ve made up my mind. I think I’ve decided to go back to school #2, where the support is much stronger, the environment is much more conducive to happy learning, and the city is much more my speed. It was a hard decision. In fact, hard doesn’t even begin to explain how much I agonized over what to do. Things aren’t official yet, which is slightly prolonging the agony, but I know that no matter what happens, things will work out.
However, I’m glad I made a decision to break the mold. I’ve always been a rule follower and on paper, I have been extremely successful. But sometimes being traditionally successful does not lead to happiness. It takes more than a killer job or a top-ranked school to make my motor run. Letting go of a dream is hard, but it’s become apparent that maybe my dream wasn’t my true path to happiness.
I’m glad I swam out to my ship because it sure wasn’t pulling into this harbor.
Ok. So this quote is truly an article from Crazy Sexy Life, written by Kate Northrup Moller. But in my current time of omgidon’tknowwhichdirectionmylifewilltake, it seemed a fitting thing to read on this sunny Wednesday morning. I don’t feel as if my path is any clearer today, but I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable with the idea that, no matter what debacle may ensure or what shenanigans may occur, it will all be okay.
It will happen later. His best friend will ask you out instead. You’ll be kissed in the movies instead of on a beach. You’ll end up going to a different school because the one you thought you’d get into didn’t work out.
She’ll move away. Someone else will move in next door. She’ll be a little weird at first, a little more shy, but ultimately really good at riding bikes and playing dolls.
That part you always wanted will go to that other girl instead. And you’ll rock it out in the chorus like your life depended on it. Because on some level it does.
The road you were going to take will be flooded and closed. The inn where you were going to stay will be under renovations. He’ll be taller than you thought. And have a funny accent. But will be a good kisser nonetheless.
You’ll get a flat tire on the way to that crucial meeting and end up peeing your pants laughing with the gas station attendant over a copy of Us Magazine. And someone else will fill in for you because they always do.
You won’t get that dream job like you thought you would. It will go to someone else with far less creative drive and vision than you. Someone far better suited for a cubicle than you.
You’ll be put in groups with people who put your panties in a wrinkle. You’ll sit next to someone on the plane who you’d never talk to except that they won’t shut up … and you’ll end up staying in touch for years and taking family vacations together.
Five years after you graduate, life won’t look anything like you would have imagined. You’ll be single when you thought you’d be married. You’ll have kids when you thought you’d be in the Peace Corps. That trip to Laos will get delayed because you’ve got to stay home and take care of your grandmother. Laos will be there. You’re grandmother won’t always.
He’ll move overseas and oddly the Atlantic Ocean between you will bring you closer than you ever dreamed possible. You won’t get engaged, married, or pregnant when you thought. You’ll miss the bus/train/plane/ferry that you thought you just HAD to be on.
You’ll fall off the turnip truck. You’ll jump on a different bandwagon than you intended. You’ll get fired when you thought you ought to be getting hired.
You’ll realize you forgot the outfit you had planned to wear and that the shoes are all wrong now that you have a full-length mirror to see the whole outfit. Your shirt will be wrinkled and you’ll spill red wine on your white jeans.
Your dog will eat your five-year plan. You’ll drop your Blackberry in the toilet (at least once). Your computer will crash, and you’ll delete the first draft of your magnum opus. You’ll accidentally delete your hard drive and end up with a clean slate.
You’ll show up late to the date with the guy you were sure was going to fit into your husband suit and realize he’s less than graceful under stress and not so flexible (better to know now than later).
When you thought you’d be baking pies and living behind your very own white picket fence you’ll find yourself doing something so entirely different you couldn’t have even imagined it a year before. There will be moments when you’ll look around and not even recognize your own life … in a good way.
You’ll take a wrong turn and end up in an entirely different city than you intended. You’ll dial the wrong number and end up in love with an entirely different person than you intended.
You’ll flunk out and end up taking five years instead of four to graduate. You’ll have your heart broken when you were sure you were with the one and then meet the other one a month later. You’ll move to a new city to start a new business with those perfect new business partners and then it will all go to shit. And you’ll move across the country again only to realize that that’s where you belonged the whole time.
You’ll drive as far away from home as possible thinking that it will make you feel free. Then you’ll get homesick and drive back four months later because you suddenly feel trapped.
You’ll imagine the open road, country music playing loud, you singing at the top of your lungs and flirting with a new man in every town. And then you’ll invite someone to come with you on a whim and realize driving around the country by yourself was a terrible idea anyway … and that it’s way more fun when you’re traveling with someone you love.
You won’t do it at the right time.
You’ll be late.
You’ll be early.
You’ll get re-routed.
You’ll get delayed.
You’ll change your mind.
You’ll change your heart.
It’s not going to turn out the way you thought it would.
It will be better.
Ok, I know that quotatious is not a word…but as someone who thinks hard all day long, it’s nice to have a little nonsense in my life. Nonsense that typically includes made up words, giggling at immature things, and eating dessert every night. And I know that my life is about to get quite a bit more busy, so I’m trying to implement shorter entries so that I can manage to do them every day.
This week’s quote:
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
William Shedd could not have said it better.
I’ve completed my first few days of doctor school and, at times, I was seriously questioning my decision to leave the nest. I missed the comfort of my own school, I missed the familiarity of roads that I had driven a million times, I missed the predictability. But thankfully, lists, emails, and de-cluttering my life has helped me calm down and realize that sometimes the best decisions are the hardest to deal with because they mean completely leaving a comfort zone.
Running and yoga has also helped immensely. Especially yoga, which takes place at a complete sanctuary of a studio and makes me forget that outside there is a gridlock of cars and learning to do. I even managed to do bakasana, which was more fulfilling than any yoga pose should really bed.
The semester hasn’t even gotten into full swing but I know that as long as I keep taking care of myself, I’ll find a way to conquer the rest.