Scary and exciting

Ya’ll, I don’t even know.

I am currently being considered for a baller clinical rotation.

What’s the catch, you ask? Well, let me be the first to tell you: it’s 4 hours away. In a city I’ve never been in. Away from the fiance and familiarity and my daily routine.

Scary. Very scary. But also ridiculously excited. As you can probably tell by this post, I’m not even sure how to put *what* I am feeling into *words*. All I can think of is “so scary” and “so darn excited”.

Granted, I have not even been given the offer yet, but the fact that it’s more than a 90% possibility is making my poor little heart race a little. So many exciting possibilities, so many scary unknowns.

And there it is again. Scary and exciting.

What would you do? Would you leave home for 2 months for a super exciting opportunity? 

*cue heart palpitations*

 

Quotatious Wednesday: Well-beaten paths

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” ~Unknown

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Where I am in my life right now (young, at a top ranked school, supposedly living it up) is where I always thought I would be. When I chose my field of study, I knew that this school was where I *had* to be, and there were no other options.

Problem is, something just doesn’t feel right. And, it’s probably apparent from all of my recent ramblings, but I’m just not as happy here as I feel I should be.

So this weekend I’m going back to visit school #2. To see if the spark is still there before I hit that all powerful “submit” button on my application and seal the deal.

It’s really hard to tell whether or not I’m headed in the right direction. On one hand, I am so comfortable with school #2. I know that if I have problems, someone will drop what they are doing and help me. It’s slightly disturbing to me that I feel that I have no one to go talk to here. Grad school is no joke, nor is it a solitary journey. I’ve tried reaching out the people repeatedly, but again…something just doesn’t feel right.

When it comes down to it, my decision is made. But I’m not quite sure how to let go of these expectations of myself to “suck it up” and “quit complaining” and “keep on truckin'”. I shouldn’t have to “suck it up” through what should be the happiest, free-est years of my life. But that is what was always expected of me, that is always what I expected of myself. I’m having a hard time realizing that I don’t have to cling to expectations if they are making me feel miserable.

Yeesh!

Under construction

Life has been scary lately.

Not scary as in, “lock the doors and hide the children.” Just, “OMG, I’m on a never-ending roller-coaster ride with an infinite amount of those upside down turn-y thingies.”

Yeah.

I feel like I am constantly bracing myself for what is coming next. Which, is definitely a plus because it means I am truly living. But also slightly anxiety provoking at times. Times are ‘a changin’ because a) I just got a temporary research job (yay! money!), b) I’m moving out of my  current apartment in May because the roommate and landlord drama is more than I can handle, c) I’m looking for a temporary lease for the summer (which is stressful because I am *not* a spur of the moment, short-term kind of gal), and d) I’m thismuch closer to officially going back to school #2 (again, stressful because this is a large decision with potentially large implications).

Some stress that I am feeling derives from me getting this temporary research job. School #1 is renowned for its research, and research is something that I see myself delving into seriously at some point. Getting the job has made me start to worry that school #2 might not be the best for me. But at the same time, all I can envision is myself being back at school #2. So, um…I’m not sure if I am re-thinking my decision because I *know* I have options, if I am re-thinking my decision because I’m scared to change the status quo, or if I am re-thinking my decision because school #1 is where I am meant to be.

I definitely do not love where I am living right now, nor do I love this city, nor have I been pleased with how my program has been going. I definitely do not love how small living here has made me felt, nor do I love how living here has made me slowly regress to old ways. I don’t love the idea of being trapped in a city I hate and being 3 hours away from the boy. But I don’t want to be one of those girls who gave up everything for a relationship. At the same time, I logically know that going back to school #2 does not equal giving up on everything because I will still have a Dr. in front of my name. When I was taking classes at school #2, that was the first time I felt like I did not want to live somewhere else; I knew that exploration and new experiences would always have to be part of my life but I could see myself building a life there. So my choice should be simple, on paper at least, but making decisions like this has never been my forte. /ramble

This is why I spy another tiny grey hair on my head.

I just don’t. know. This week is projected to be the most laid-back week of the semester so hopefully I can use some of my free time to go spinning, yoga-ing, and maybe iron out all of this craziness. I am currently spandex-ed up for a hardcore sweat sesh at my favorite spinning studio and I’m ready to sprint and faux-climb my way out of at least a little anxiety. Thankfully, sweating profusely tends to give me clarity.

Quotatious Wednesday: Ships are a sailin’

So, I’ve made up my mind. I think I’ve decided to go back to school #2, where the support is much stronger, the environment is much more conducive to happy learning, and the city is much more my speed. It was a hard decision. In fact, hard doesn’t even begin to explain how much I agonized over what to do. Things aren’t official yet, which is slightly prolonging the agony, but I know that no matter what happens, things will work out.

However, I’m glad I made a decision to break the mold. I’ve always been a rule follower and on paper, I have been extremely successful. But sometimes being traditionally successful does not lead to happiness. It takes more than a killer job or a top-ranked school to make my motor run. Letting go of a dream is hard, but it’s become apparent that maybe my dream wasn’t my true path to happiness.

I’m glad I swam out to my ship because it sure wasn’t pulling into this harbor.

Trail running & conversations with friends

Sometimes all it takes is a good run and a good conversation to clear your head. 3 miles in the sunshine was all it took to shed a little light on my situation. Something about heaving breathing, giggling with girlfriends, footfalls on dirt, and cool breezes through the barren trees just makes me feel more alive and vibrant. Nature is always the ultimate reminder that there is always something bigger to consider, even when it seems that the issue at hand is the biggest issue I’ve ever had to surmount.

One of my main problems with leaving #1 school is that I feel it will make me a failure. Which is a wrong way to think, on so many levels. First, I am not a failure if the school was unable to provide me with all that they promised. Second, I am not a failure for wanting to be happy. I will only be twenty-something once in my life, why should I spend it feeling like I’d rather become a hobo than deal with all of the drama that has come packaged with school #1. Living and dealing with school #1 has brought me nothing but misanthropic thoughts, roommate drama, school friend drama, and curriculum drama.

Again, deferring to Kate Northrup’s awesomeness (my thoughts in quotes)

Here’s what I know…

  • Doing something for the money never ends up being worth it. (and that’s why I’m at #1 school, is it not? For the potential for more money…)
  • If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. (When I think about school #2, I say hell yes. When I think about school #1, I say well…yeah)
  • You are valuable because you exist. Period. (Or, full stop if you’re British.)
  • You are enough. You always have been. You always will be.
  • Your place of greatest ease and joy will also be your place of greatest service (So, uh, city #2 > city #1) 
  • It’s okay to sleep for ten hours or more a night from time to time. In fact, it’s critical.
  • No accomplishment or moment of recognition will ever replace feeling loved, by yourself or anyone else.
  • It’s not going to turn out the way you thought. It will be better.
  • You know. You always know. (My guy says “pick school #2!”; my mind says, “don’t be stupid”)
  • The fact that it feels good is reason enough to move every day. The fact that it will tone your ass and make your waist smaller are mere side effects.
  • Organizing your life around what feels good is the single wisest choice you can make. (So again, school #2 > school #1)
  • There is always going to be a small part of you that wants to please your mother, even if you’re not conscious of it, and that’s okay.
  • Saying yes to someone simply because you don’t want to disappoint them is not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to them.
  • Sleep, water, movement, greens, and a good cry cure almost anything.
  • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. (Thanks Mom)
  • Paying attention to your money is a profound act of self-love.
  • It turns out that life is happening right now.
  • Loving yourself more is the best place to start to solve any problem.
  • You can’t judge and have an open heart at the same time.
  • Nothing is random. Everything happens for a reason.
  • Your body is wise beyond what you could possibly imagine. Listen to her. She will lead you home every time.
  • Home is not a place.

I still have plenty of pondering, weighing, calculating, and meditating to do over this issue. But something at school #1, in city #1 just doesn’t feel *right*. I think my final decision is one giant step closer to being finalized, though…

 

A year ago

A year ago, my dream came true. I got into my dream school, I moved to my dream city. By all accounts, I was living the dream.

But there was always that tiny niggling voice in the back of my head reminding me that it was not truly what I wanted. Lately, however, it has been screaming at me. So, re-evaluation ensued. And then I contact the school I was at previously, what I considered to be my #2 choice when applying for all of this nonsense, and started thinking about transferring.

The devil on my shoulder constantly reminds me that I need to follow the rules, I got what I wanted, I wasn’t careful what I wished for, and now I just need to suck it up because I’ve made my bed.

The angel on my shoulder is reassuring that I can choose whatever I think is best, that in the long-term where I graduated from probably won’t matter, that as long as I’m happy life will be good…and reminds me how happy I was in the #2 city.

Needless to say, there is plenty of turmoil in my mind these days. I live in fear of making the wrong decision, but I also live in fear of being stuck in a place in which I’m unsatisfied.

Today, I re-read my ten year plan. Thankfully, it gave me enough clarity to relax and know that whichever path I choose, it will lead me to what I want. I don’t want to be a millionaire, I don’t want to have a job that consumes me, I just want to be happy and have enough to live comfortably. I made it a point to say that I did not want my work to define me, but it seems that, ever since moving, my future job is what defines me.

I don’t think that going back to #2 will be the magic bullet, but I think that it will give me what I need: a perfectly sized city full of delicious food, friendly people, and a non-existent horrendous rush hour along with good experience and support from the Boy. That is what I want.

My final decision isn’t written in stone, but I think I’m slowly getting there. I’m slowly boiling down the pros and cons and deciding what will make me that happiest, most fulfilled person that I can be. And right now, that’s all I can ask of myself.

How do you make decisions?

Create a vision and set your goals: 10 years

With only 4 years until I am official Ms. Doctor, I’ve been spending *a lot* of time thinking about what I want in the future. So, inspired by this Lululemon blog post and beautiful Ashley’s 10 year vision, I’ve decided to write out my own vision for my future.

In 10 years, I am in a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship. That relationship is with The Boy and I look forward to the upcoming years of continuing to grow with each other. We are married and starting to think about when we want to grow our little family. We  keep the romance alive by having weekly date nights  and we say I love you every 2 seconds. I “drag” him to all of my races and important events because we are be invested in each other’s lives. We also maintain our independence by having time to ourselves and time out with our friends. Our relationship is full of respect, mushiness, and silliness.

Family is a priority. We visit our families as often as we possibly can, no matter where in the country we live. We maintain good relationships with both of our sets of parents and talk frequently on the phone with them.

We live in an outdoorsy city dedicated to healthy living (I’m looking at you, Boston/DC/Austin/etc) and live in a super cute condo. It is full of personal items that we have picked up from various trips and plenty of antiques. We are considering looking to buy a house in the near future. It isn’t necessary for us to own a house, though, because we are cozy and settled where we are and enjoy the free-ness of not having household upkeep.

Going out to eat is an important part of our lives but we  continue to try new recipes at home and enjoy cooking meals for ourselves. Eating healthily will is an important goal in my life because I  need to fuel my body properly for my running and, eventually, having a baby.

I have run at least 2 marathons and qualified for Boston. Running and biking are a regular part of my life because it relieves my stress and keeps me healthy. I travel to new and exciting races whenever time and budget permits.

I am working on opening my own private practice while working at a successful private practice. I don’t need to make a million dollars and I definitely don’t want to work an inordinate amount of hours a week, I just want to make enough money to support a comfortable lifestyle and my running clothes obsession. Work is important to me because I am passionate about my field but it is NOT my entire life and I am fulfilled by many things, not just by how I get my paycheck.

Savings are important, however.We have enough money saved up so that I only need to work part-time once we have kids and we will be able to send our future baby to excellent private schools because education is a huge priority in our life.

Traveling is also an integrative part of our life, whether it be close by or long-distance. We love exploring new places and creating new traditions for our little family. Most of our trips are within driving distance, though, because we will have an adorable cat and a silly dog to keep us company at home.

In 10 years, I am happy, vibrant, and enjoying all that life has to offer. I know that things can change in an instant so, overall, I roll with the punches and always find the silver lining.

Breathe in, breathe out

To say that I’ve been overwhelmed lately would be an understatement.

But the semester has ending and I’m ready for regular blogging to resume. Mostly because having just packed up my entire life into boxes, suitcases, and trash bags has left me stressed beyond belief and I need a place to practice being more positive/vent.

Because leaving the boy and everything I’m familiar with is scary. I love the city I’m moving to and I know the boy and I will be fine, but leaving comfort has always been difficult for me.

I’m a walking oxymoron in that I love new things but I hate breaking out of a comfortable routine. However, once that routine is broken and I develop a new one, I’m fine.

So basically, I’m a weirdo. But I have a feeling a lot of people feel the same way…

With that said,  I think it’s okay to admit that I’m terrified. But I’m ready to stop being a walking around with a rain cloud following me.

So, without further ado…reasons why I am glad to be moving:

I’ll be in the same city as a Whole Foods!

I won’t have to hoard quarters to do laundry because I’ll have my own washer and dryer

I’ll get to attend #1 school and have lots of new, exciting opportunities and make lots of new friends

I’ll have central heating and air

I’ll have built-in company with my awesome new roomie

When the boy comes to visit we won’t have to cram onto a tiny twin bed because I’m buying a bigger one!

There are lots of new restaurants to try and areas to visit

When one door closes…

…sometimes a better door opens.

Over the weekend, I went apartment hunting close to my future school. I thought I found the perfect, adorable place. I called the owner as soon as I knew I wanted it and sent in my application/deposit.

I was finally relaxed and excited about moving to a new city.

I was excited until the rug got yanked from under me and I was informed that I may not get the apartment.

Cue major meltdown. Instead of working on my paper, I spent the majority of yesterday frantically searching for apartments in the same area. Except they all cost an arm and a leg…sometimes an arm and a leg and a foot for only 500 square feet.

Until I found B’s ad. B is a current med student with a super cute house with a washer and a dryer. She’s super amazingly nice and we are crazily similar (okay, I don’t know this for a fact yet but we’ve been emailing back and forth and it seems like we’d get along so well).

I’ve never really loved having roommates before, but I’m guessing that is because we were crammed into a tiny room and it generally was not over our own volition. And, I’ll be honest, I like the idea of having someone around…especially in those first months where I haven’t really established life in a new city yet, and even more especially since the boy will likely be living in another city.

So while losing my first apartment led to a general panic and some stress tears while on the phone with my mom, everything has worked out splendidly. I’d even venture to say that it worked out better than before. Because now I have a washer and a dryer and a built in friend for when times get tough. What more could a girl ask for?

I guess it’s true what they say about things happening for a reason…

Do you have an experiences with a huge disappointment being followed by something so exciting you can’t sleep?

Comfort zone? What comfort zone?

Operation “clean out my fridge/freezer/pantry” is officially in full force.

Why?

Because I GOT INTO MY TOP CHOICE PROGRAM OVER THE WEEKEND AND WILL BE MOVING IN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH!

That means a new city, a new apartment, and a new school. Changes are abundant.

I’ll be honest, this decision was not as easy as I expected. In fact, in order to come to this decision, I had to endure 3 sleepless nights and watch two episode’s of Grey’s/take a Tylenol PM to sleep last night.

Getting into this program was everything I ever wanted for so long, but once I got it my mind was in shock. I knew attending would mean getting used to the way an entirely different school works, learning to drive around a new city, and be 100% out of my comfort zone.

I love my comfort zone. The idea of leaving my comfort zone left me in tears.

But ultimately I have decided that not attending one of the top medical programs in the country would be a HUGE missed opportunity.

And so, I have decided to take a deep breath, say goodbye to all that is familiar, and get ready for the biggest leap in my life.

It also means a lot of trips out of town. Last weekend I was out of town interviewing, this weekend I’ll be out of town trying to line up an apartment. And in 3 weeks, I’ll be getting ready to make my first round of moving.

Terrifying. But I think that I am really ready to take this next step in my life. I’m still slightly hesitant to leave all that I know I love but sometimes it truly is time for me to move on to the next stage of my life. And that gives me goosebumps of excitement.