Saaaattuuuurrrdaaaay

Today is shaping up to be a pretty decent Saturday. A bit more decent than I expected at bedtime last night. I have a bona fide smile on my face.

Why, you ask?

Well…let me tell you the ways in which my life is happy today.

1. I finally found a temporary 1 bedroom apartment. This means no more crazy roommates, no more fighting over parking spaces, no more paying for cable but not getting to use the TV, no more thermostat wars, no more having to worry about anything but me, myself, and I. And it comes with a talkative kitty that I can babysit for the summer. Tell me how it can get better than that. That’s right…it can’t…

2. I ran a little under 4 miles in sticky pre-summer weather and didn’t have to stop and walk a million times. And I only felt like my lungs would jump out of my chest once. Much, much different from my last pre-summer run, where I was lucky to run for ten minutes straight before having to stop and walk and gasp for breathe. Take that humidity. You may make my hair look like a ‘fro but you shall not defeat me.

3. Two words: asiago bagel. Oh, and new acai berry iced tea. Panera, how I love thee.

4. I’m road-trippin’ it tomorrow. Granted, it’s just so I can talk to some old professors at school #2, but it means eating at all of my favorite restaurants, running in a much more running friendly city, and being in a place where I feel completely at home…if only for a day and a half.

5. I’m caught up-ish on my school work. That needs to explanation of awesomeness in my book.

6. (a bonus!) After two straight days of yoga, my arms are ridiculously sore. But, dare I say it, I’m starting to build some upper arm strength. Gasp.

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Thwarted.

All I wanted to do was some yoga.

I rushed home from seeing patients to spandex up (after stopping to get a HUGE iced coffee…I’ve been off the caffeine for 4 days and let me tell you, that is not safe for a graduate student to do…), looked up directions to the new studio I was ready to try out, grabbed my yoga mat, and ran out the door.

Only to arrive and discover that there was no parking lot.

I circled around the block and miraculously found some street parking. I hate street parking (let’s just say I’ve been towed a few too many times). But I hesitantly pulled into the spot, parked, and then trucked over to the studio.

Yeah. The door was locked.

So there I was, decked out in spandex, pulling on a locked door. In an unsavory neighborhood. Parked where I didn’t feel comfortable. I waited for a few minutes, hoping I’d see signs of life in the studio, but no such luck. So I left, heartbroken and still wanting to do some yoga.

Thankfully I have some Yoga Download classes exist; after brushing up on some poses, I turned on my yoga mix (yes, I have a yoga mix…music is what gets me going) and I’m feeling much better 40 minutes later. I miss getting to do yoga in a legit studio, but it felt good to get all bendy again. And it was a nice reminder that all you need are some comfy clothes and a floor to get down with the yog.

Quotatious Wednesday: Well-beaten paths

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” ~Unknown

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Where I am in my life right now (young, at a top ranked school, supposedly living it up) is where I always thought I would be. When I chose my field of study, I knew that this school was where I *had* to be, and there were no other options.

Problem is, something just doesn’t feel right. And, it’s probably apparent from all of my recent ramblings, but I’m just not as happy here as I feel I should be.

So this weekend I’m going back to visit school #2. To see if the spark is still there before I hit that all powerful “submit” button on my application and seal the deal.

It’s really hard to tell whether or not I’m headed in the right direction. On one hand, I am so comfortable with school #2. I know that if I have problems, someone will drop what they are doing and help me. It’s slightly disturbing to me that I feel that I have no one to go talk to here. Grad school is no joke, nor is it a solitary journey. I’ve tried reaching out the people repeatedly, but again…something just doesn’t feel right.

When it comes down to it, my decision is made. But I’m not quite sure how to let go of these expectations of myself to “suck it up” and “quit complaining” and “keep on truckin'”. I shouldn’t have to “suck it up” through what should be the happiest, free-est years of my life. But that is what was always expected of me, that is always what I expected of myself. I’m having a hard time realizing that I don’t have to cling to expectations if they are making me feel miserable.

Yeesh!

Tuesday confessional

– I slept through (okay, vaguely woke up and apparently turned it off) my alarm today and missed two hours of clinic. I am not this kind of girl.

-I started the application to return to school #2. I know I will be happier there. But I am having such a hard time letting go of what I feel I “should” be doing and I worry that I’m running away because things got scary, hard, and were not what I expected…cognitive dissonance FTW

-I’m taking my first yoga class since August on Thursday. My muscles are trembling in anticipation.

-I have a serious love for tortillas smeared with peanut butter. There’s just something so, “oh hey, I’m 12 again and out camping” about them.

-Almond milk = awesome. Espresso = awesome. But I’m having a hard time adjusting to almond milk + espresso. Any tips?

-I desperately want an awesome roommate. I have had 3, shall we say, duds. That have my my life hell. All I want is an awesome gal pal to drink wine with, complain about the day with, and go running with. Is that so much to ask for?!

-My new pink running shoes make me feel like a bad-ass whilst running

-I am conjuring up a set of goals to set into motion for April. These goals both terrify and excite me.

Under construction

Life has been scary lately.

Not scary as in, “lock the doors and hide the children.” Just, “OMG, I’m on a never-ending roller-coaster ride with an infinite amount of those upside down turn-y thingies.”

Yeah.

I feel like I am constantly bracing myself for what is coming next. Which, is definitely a plus because it means I am truly living. But also slightly anxiety provoking at times. Times are ‘a changin’ because a) I just got a temporary research job (yay! money!), b) I’m moving out of my  current apartment in May because the roommate and landlord drama is more than I can handle, c) I’m looking for a temporary lease for the summer (which is stressful because I am *not* a spur of the moment, short-term kind of gal), and d) I’m thismuch closer to officially going back to school #2 (again, stressful because this is a large decision with potentially large implications).

Some stress that I am feeling derives from me getting this temporary research job. School #1 is renowned for its research, and research is something that I see myself delving into seriously at some point. Getting the job has made me start to worry that school #2 might not be the best for me. But at the same time, all I can envision is myself being back at school #2. So, um…I’m not sure if I am re-thinking my decision because I *know* I have options, if I am re-thinking my decision because I’m scared to change the status quo, or if I am re-thinking my decision because school #1 is where I am meant to be.

I definitely do not love where I am living right now, nor do I love this city, nor have I been pleased with how my program has been going. I definitely do not love how small living here has made me felt, nor do I love how living here has made me slowly regress to old ways. I don’t love the idea of being trapped in a city I hate and being 3 hours away from the boy. But I don’t want to be one of those girls who gave up everything for a relationship. At the same time, I logically know that going back to school #2 does not equal giving up on everything because I will still have a Dr. in front of my name. When I was taking classes at school #2, that was the first time I felt like I did not want to live somewhere else; I knew that exploration and new experiences would always have to be part of my life but I could see myself building a life there. So my choice should be simple, on paper at least, but making decisions like this has never been my forte. /ramble

This is why I spy another tiny grey hair on my head.

I just don’t. know. This week is projected to be the most laid-back week of the semester so hopefully I can use some of my free time to go spinning, yoga-ing, and maybe iron out all of this craziness. I am currently spandex-ed up for a hardcore sweat sesh at my favorite spinning studio and I’m ready to sprint and faux-climb my way out of at least a little anxiety. Thankfully, sweating profusely tends to give me clarity.

The kind of woman I want to be:

…the kind who kicks ass and takes names

…the kind who lives life for herself, apologetically

…the kind who realizes that work isn’t everything, but loving what she does is still important

…the kind who runs, does yoga, and flosses her teeth every night

…the kind with one of those, “wow, they are perfect for each other” relationships

…the kind who doesn’t look back as past events and say, “what if.”

…the kind who speaks her mind

…the kind who eats pizza and drinks beer with the boys, while completely dressed in pink

…the kind who never gives up but knows when to call it quits

…the kind who knows that taking care of herself is necessary in order to continue helping others

…the kind who gets excited over the tiny details but doesn’t sweat the small stuff

…the kind who loves her body, even on those squishy days

…the kind who lives life aloud, unabashedly, every. single. day.

I want to be that kind of woman.

Hiding in a coffee shop

When I don’t feel like being at home, I tend to pack my life into my backpack and head on over to the nearest coffee shop, where I usually proceed to drink copious amounts of coffee in the corner table, preferably for hours at a time, like a lame-o. People watching, Facebook checking, and occasionally some hardcore homework-ing tend to occur. This continues until I feel like one more sip of coffee  would drive me crazy. Only then will I go home.

I have not reached that point today. Although I miraculously have only had one medium coffee to drink.

Basically, the boy is tied up in work today, I have tons of schoolwork to get done, and I refuse to spend more time at home than is necessary (awkward living situations, FTW) so I am camped out and currently thinking of various ways to NOT be at home until tonight. So far, I’ve decided to being a coffee shop hog until the boy gets a break, spend 2-3 hours annoying the boy during said break, browse the bookstore and/or TJMaxx, stop at Whole Foods for some “please help me feel like stabby” dinner ideas, and then retreat to my lovely bedroom for some TV catch-up.

Unfortunately, I think my laptop battery has other ideas.

 

Mental health morning

Being a doc is hard. freaking. work.

I knew that coming in, but awful living situations and general discontent with how the program has been progressing has led me to become a wee bit crazy.

Wee bit being an understatement. The understatement of the year, in fact, considering I almost cried this morning because the Boy tried to convince me to send an email. An email, mind you, that I already knew was necessary to send and was planning on sending anyways. But the extra “pressure” of him “telling” me to do something sent me over the edge.

So I emailed my supervisor that I am *coughcoughsick*, signed up for an 8:30 am spin class, and breathed a sigh of relief.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just be easier on myself. I know I need the patient hours, I know I need to be responsible, but sometimes taking care of my mental health just needs to take priority over everything else. And I feel like there’s nothing a nice, relaxed morning with a serious splash of sweat can’t fix…although I’m hoping it’ll fix this serious funk I’ve sunken down into today.

What’s your sure-fire funk buster?